Friday, August 29, 2008

Why Reading the Local Rag Can Be DANGEROUS to Your Mental Health!

Dear reader, the mind boggles that the Hearst Corporation, new owner of our wildly unpopular local rag, AKA Yellowwich Time, for some reason continues to keep this money-losing joke of a "newspaper" alive. They should just pull the plug and end the misery of its death-throes, not to mention the misery of all of us here in Greenwich who have to put up with it on a daily basis.

Hearken now to the latest swill, "History has a home at Seven Oaks," which would earn a quick, unmerciful "F" if any student here in Town were rash enough to write this gibberish:

"The 15-room house was designed in the Georgian Revival stule which reflected the architecture of New England in the 17th century. The original Georgian style was named for the four King Georges of England who reigned in the late 19th and early-to-mid 20th centuries. It was brought to America by the early settlers."

How does one even begin to untangle this wad of drivel? Can a "Revival" style pre-date its "original" style? One rather thinks not. Did the "four King Georges" really reign in the late 19th century, when Victoria was firmly on the throne from 1837 to 1901? Methinks she would not have been amused to learn this.

And what's all this about the early settlers of America arriving in that same time period of "the late 19th and early-to-mid 20th centuries"? What happened to Jamestown in 1609, or the Plymouth Colony in 1620? Does the Yellowwich Time reporter really expect us to believe that the Revolution was fought at the same time as the Spanish-American War?

Let's try to unsnarl the mess created by this ignoramus. King George I of England came over from Germany to assume the throne in 1714. He never really learned to speak English, which he pronounced with a Germanic accent; thus the mispronunciation "eye-ther" instead of the original "ee-ther" for the word "either" entered the language. None of his courtiers dared to correct the King, and in fact began slavishly to mimic his error. He died in 1727, never having gotten it right.

George II took over that same year, and carried on until he died in 1760. Handel wrote his "Coronation Anthems" for George's investiture as King in 1727, and was repaid when the King later got up to take a bathroom break during the first performance of the "Hallelujah Chorus". Since no one could stay seated in front of the King, everyone else got up, too. And so, dear reader, we all continue to stand today in memory of George II's weak bladder.

George III, as everyone but the Yellowwich Time writer knows, was the last King of America. He reigned from 1760 to 1820, but the real monarch during his latter years was the Prince Regent, later George IV. Such unpopular missteps as the Stamp Act and the tax on tea led to his being burned in effigy on our side of the Pond, and when the colonists had had enough, they revolted. From the "shot heard 'round the world" at Concord bridge on April 19, 1775 until the Treaty of Paris in 1783, the Brits chased the Yanks up and down the countryside. Our American George (Washington) managed to lose nearly every battle, but finally won the war thanks to the timely intervention of the French. King George lost his own battle with porphyria, and his son took over the reins for the final ten years of his life.

George IV was a naughty boy. As Prince Regent he led the life of a pampered playboy, eventually building up to a 50-inch waist and tipping the scales at 245 pounds (well, 17 and a half stones, if you prefer). During his reign architecture morphed from the Georgian to the Regency style. He died in 1830.

Well, there you have it, dear reader: a romp through the reigns of the four Georges. Somewhat different dates from those set forth in Yellowwich Time, to be sure, but all of us here in Town know you can't believe anything you read in that rag.

Bottom line: the local rag gets an F-minus-minus for its attempts to pervert the facts of history, not to mention the history of architecture. Please, somebody, just shoot this pathetic non-newspaper and end the misery. Pretty please?


Blogger Barrie said...

On the upside, poor writing in your local newspaper led to a wonderful history lesson for me! Thank you. ;)

September 03, 2008 1:35 AM  
Blogger Malicious Intent said...

Now we all know the pyramids of Giza were built by the colonists in 1802. Sheesh. No ones reads a damn thing about history anymore.

September 06, 2008 7:57 AM  
Blogger Bill Clark said...

Ain't it the truth, M.I.?

Glad you enjoyed the eclectic history lesson, Barrie!

September 06, 2008 9:15 AM  

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